Opera studio's rage at 'slovenly' neighbours

The opera studio: magnet for borough's high society 

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as sources close to the National Opera Studio lambasted its 'slummy' neighbours and warned that the much-loved institution might have to relocate to a more salubrious district.

The Opera Studio, whose premises lie but a stone's throw from Eye HQ in Chapel Yard, has long been a magnet for the borough's high society.

Glamorous socialites including Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, Octavia Belle-Wether and Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest are often to be seen at the studio's A-list champagne receptions, mingling with key local councillors and other important figures.

But angry opera singers are now said to be threatening to boycott the studio's popular lunchtime recitals. According to one well-placed source, Chapel Yard has just become "too manky" for the superstars in recent months.

"There's always been a problem in this area with people thoughtlessly dropping fried chicken cartons into the gutter," she explained. "But then we had workmen in dirty overalls starting to loiter in the yard smoking cigarettes. And when a slovenly, chaotic family moved into the apartment block opposite our building, that was the final straw for many. They said Chapel Yard had become just as common as Romford."

The slovenly family's higgledy-piggledy balcony

The Opera Studio's harsh words were echoed by many in the once august, dignified neighbourhood. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a nearby chicken shop, said: "I for one would not be seen dead in Chapel Yard. Those manky people who've strewn their lovely balcony with all manner of ghastly clutter should hang their heads in shame."

And frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer concurred wholeheartedly. "It used to be so lovely round here," she recalled, with tears coming to her eyes. "I remember when Mr Gladstone opened the village fete in 1924, it was just after Mrs Thatcher came to power. Ooh them miners and that General Galtieri, they were an 'orrible lot they were. We never liked them."

Back at the National Opera Studio, there was speculation last night that much-loved Italian mezzo-soprano Esmerelda Borlotti-Pappardelle might cancel her forthcoming recital, solely because of the wicked dishevelled ways of Chapel Yard's slovenly denizens.

"It's absolutely heartbreaking," wailed one source. "We've gone to all this trouble to get rid of the pooing pigeons and now there's this horrid manky family living opposite. If only we'd listened to the wise, prescient words of WandsworthEye, who warned that no good would ever come of letting the LibDems into government."

Glamorous Wandsworth Debenhams 'to open within days'

There was mounting excitement in the borough last night as eager residents awaited the imminent opening of the plush new Debenhams store at Southside shopping centre. A mile-long queue stretched along Garratt Lane as impatient shoppers vied to be the first through the doors of the glamorous new department store on the site of the hated former post office.

'Only days' to wait till the grand opening

"This gonna be wicked, yeah," ventured single mother Chavetta Nkokmah, one of the first in the line. "Ay fort this gonna be queue for new ay-phone yeah. But Debenhams comin' to Wandsworf yeah. Gonna be even more cool than new ay-phone yeah."  

Final preparations are underway in the perfume hall

Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette was equally enthused. "How right Ms Nkokmah is," she exclaimed. "And just to think - only a few weeks ago all there was here was a horrid, manky post office full of smelly people collecting their benefits. Ugh. One shudders to recall what Wandsworth used to be like in days gone by."

The Reverend Benny Saville, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, watched contentedly as workmen put the finishing touches to the perfume hall on the ground floor of the new multi-storey retail emporium. "What a splendid addition to our vibrant local community," he said. "But I do hope the men's lavatories won't become a centre for untoward activities as they have at Debenhams' notorious Clapham Junction branch..."

A source close to the much-loved department store chain confirmed last night that the long-awaited grand opening was now just days away. "About 733 days to be exact," he explained. Speculation was rife that an A-list celebrity would be cutting the ribbon on the great day. "We're hoping to get a leading LibDem luminary," said another source. "Except that could be a little difficult as they're all under lock and key these days. We may have to make do with Godfrey Bloom instead."

Borough hails appointment of 'rigorous' Deputy Eye

Residents were clinking their glasses last night following the appointment of a much-loved veteran social commentator as DeputyWandsworthEye. Hubert Montague-Postlethwaite - who tweets as @Wandsworth3 - was chosen from a field of thousands of eager candidates. In his acceptance tweet, he wrote: "I am humbled, honoured and somewhat in awe at the responsibilities that await me." 

The profile page of much-loved Montague-Postlethwaite

WandsworthEye HQ issued the following statement last night: "The appointment of a Deputy Eye has become a matter of the most pressing urgency. In recent months the Eye has been compelled to attend an endless series of dreary apostrophe congresses in locations including Madeira, the Canary Islands, Spain, Portugal, the Czech Republic and Germany. Ever mindful of the need to remain vigilant at home, and to act trenchantly in the face of the depredations and machinations of tramps, vagabonds and Liberal Democrats, the Eye hereby appoints trusted follower @Wandsworth3 as Deputy Eye, with full authority to use the Eye brand in the battle for law, order, decency and above all family values. Let us now step up the fight against tracksuit-wearing and chicken nuggetry in SW18!"

The Eye's wise move was widely applauded in the borough last night. The Reverend Benny Savile of the Anti-Lust Alliance said: "I welcome this timely appointment. DeputyWandsworthEye has a proven track-record of speaking out against perversion. Our neighbourhood will be much the safer for his rigorous vigilance."

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton agreed. "It's just like in the war," she recalled, "when Lloyd George was Prime Minister and Mr Gladstone was his deputy. Oh I do hope the new Deputy Eye will help bring down the price of cat food and custard creams - especially in Sainsbury's on Garratt Lane, where you can never find anything anymore and the prices are always 20p more than it said on the shelves..."

Non-stop Tube announcements 'are so handy'

Regular users of the District Line were overjoyed last night as a London Underground source confirmed the roll-out of a popular new policy under which maximum-volume announcements will be made non-stop on all tube trains and at all tube stations. "Not everyone has a smartphone to play with on long, tedious journeys," the source explained. "So with immediate effect, all tube drivers have been instructed to make long-winded announcements in a grating Estuary accent for the entire duration of every journey." He added: "Station staff will do their bit too, perpetually advising passengers that the train calls at all stations to Upminster, to board the train by all available doors, and to move right down the carriage."

Tube doors 'so confusing', say passengers

Wandsworth commuters welcomed the new policy last night and said they could not wait for their next tube journey. "This will be so handy for when I pop down to Harvey Nicks," explained glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette. "I always used to worry in case the tube only stopped at every fifth station and I might inadvertently end up somewhere manky like Dagenham. But now I'll know for sure that the train will call at all stations, thanks to these helpful and timely announcements."

Admin assistant Chavetta Nkokmah, who spends most of her daily journey to Cannon Street painting her two-inch-long fingernails, was relieved at the prospect of greater clarity surrounding the boarding of crowded tube trains. "Used to be so confusin, yeah. Never knew what door to get on the train, yeah. Now is gonna be announcements, yeah. Gonna tellin us we can get on the train usin every door, yeah."

WandsworthEye can exclusively reveal that District Line tube drivers have been issued with standard scripts to read out during the long journey from Wimbledon to Upminster. A leaked extract of the Customer Reassurance Announcement Policy recommends that drivers turn the public address system up to maximum volume and then repeat the following on an endless loop:

"This is your District Loin trine to Upminster callin at aw stations to Upminster. Moind the gap between the troin and the platfowm. A good service is runnin on aw ovver loins. Once again loidies an gentlemen, please move roit daaan the carriages an bowd the troin usin aw avaiabaw doors. Moind the gap. We've stopped at a red signaw an we should be movin shawtly."

As spontaneous cheering broke out among delighted passengers, London Underground's executive in charge of the new policy explained: "The roll-out of CRAP shows we are absolutely clear about delivering for stakeholders going forward." 

Frail pensioners 'confused' over two new post offices

Celebrations were held across the borough last night as the hated Post Office on Garratt Lane was boarded up in preparation for the final stage of redevelopment at Southside shopping centre. A glittering new Debenhams department store will now rise above the forlorn Arndale Walk where drug addicts and single mothers once congregated, and lavishly-appointed new post offices are opening on Monday at Southside and on the High Street - just a stone's throw from WandsworthEye HQ.

The vast new post office at Southside shopping centre

The far-reaching changes have been broadly welcomed across the community. Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette said: "Thank God I no longer have to walk past the surly, sullen youths on Garratt Lane when I want to buy some pretty stamps for my handwritten epistles. It's disgusting the way they sit on their poxy bikes with their pants hanging out and their bums showing. Ugh."

High street branch 'handy for the chicken shop'

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the borough's better chicken shops, was particularly thrilled about the new post office on Wandsworth High Street. "I'm a little concerned about its proximity to the notorious tramps' and vagabonds' bench across the road," she conceded, "but on the whole this is a positive move for the community. And so handy for people visiting Dallas Chicken & Ribs, which is right next door."

Staff at Dallas were elated that the prestigious Post Office had decided to open a branch adjacent to their already much-loved food emporium. A source close to the management said the restaurant was already working on special pensioners' meals to appeal to the post office's core clientele. Custard-cream fritters and cat-food-coated chicken nuggets are "in the early stages of development", the source indicated.

However frail pensioners were confused last night about the complex arrangements at Wandsworth's two new post office branches. "Where do we go to get our ration books now?" asked Ethel Dumpton as she stood perplexed outside the boarded-up Garratt Lane branch. Her friend Mabel Drearie raged: "I'm not going anywhere near them tramps and vagabonds on the High Street. And that new post office in Southside is far too posh for the likes of me. I'll just have to starve now that I can't get me pension."

WandsworthEye will be rigorously monitoring developments all week via webcam from the Bohemian Apostrophe Congress, which begins on Monday night.  

Ugly council flats 'should be bulldozed down'

Calls were mounting last night for the high-rise council flats above Southside shopping centre to be razed to the ground. Residents from across central Wandsworth pleaded with the council to expunge the unsightly eyesore from its prominent site towering over the neighbourhood. 

The unsightly council block looms over Wandsworth

The controversial edifice was erected many decades ago, in a now almost forgotten era of wanton profligacy and leftwing social engineering. Constructed using the costliest, most sumptuous building materials, the towering monstrosity was soon chock-full of lottery winners, single mothers and tearaway children. "I remember when it was brand spanking new," reminisced frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. "Mr Gladstone himself came to cut the ribbon, accompanied by his wife Queen Victoria."   

Artist's impression of the site post-demolition

However in recent years a growing coalition of angry local residents has been lobbying to have the hated carbuncle removed from its looming position in the heart of our treasured borough. Leading campaigner Selfridgia Aliceband explained: "It's all very well having a Sabichi and a Waitrose in the shopping mall, but a block crammed full of council people really lowers the tone of the neighbourhood. It should be bulldozed down forthwith."

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the more exclusive chicken shops on Wandsworth High Street, wholeheartedly agreed. "Only the other day my neighhour's darling little son, Mungo Parker-Bicyclette, was beaten up by yobbos from the council flats as he rode to prep school. We really ought to put these people somewhere else - for example, in Swansea or in Kettering."

Last night architects were preparing a blueprint for the future of the disputed site. One option, pictured above, involves the complete bulldozing of the 24-storey tower and its transformation into a privately-run tourist attraction provisionally called The Council Flat Experience. 

Other possibilities floated by developers include the construction of a high-security prison for violent, dangerous Liberal Democrats. "We really can't have them running around in the community any longer," explained one source close to the authorities. "The sooner all remaining LibDems are locked up the better. Thank goodness for trenchant local news blog WandsworthEye, without whom the wicked machinations of the junior coalition partner would go unpunished."

Flip-flop-wearing LibDems 'bring shame on the borough'

Wandsworth's hard-earned reputation as a centre of fashion second only to Milan and Chigwell took a severe knock today as the sunshine tempted men onto the borough's streets in flimsy, frivolous flip-flops.

Hairy toes, pasty legs and unattractive bunions were on full display as Wandsworth's once stylish male inhabitants threw caution to the wind and donned foolishly inappropriate beachwear as they went about their daily business.

Inappropriate beachwear on the streets of southwest London

"Liberal Democrats in particular tend to favour this disastrous look," commented glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, who first came to prominence as a fashion adviser to Ann Widdecombe. "But now even the tramps and vagabonds wear them," she said. "One simply despairs."

'Bring back standards of decency and decorum!'

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton  was also full of trenchant criticism, raging: "It was never like this during the war. People had standards of decency and decorum then. Oh, bring back the days when Gladstone and Mrs Thatcher ruled - you would never have had people in flip-flops then."

There were calls last night for the police to forbid the wearing of sandals, flip-flops and other unappealing footwear on the streets of SW18. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a chicken shop on Wandsworth High Street, heartily agreed. "Imagine all the squelchy things that get caught between their toes as the LibDem flip-flop-wearers promenade up and down the major thoroughfares," she said, shuddering. 

'Tread on their toes! That'll serve them right!'

"Bits of discarded fried chicken; slowly coagulating piles of vomit outside the Grand Union; pigeon droppings from the National Opera Studio; mank and detritus strewn across the neighbourhood by shameless tramps and vagabonds. How filthy those benighted people's feet must be!"

As WandsworthEye led the campaign to ban all frivolous beachwear from the streets of our beloved municipality, unrepentant flip-flop-wearer Ronaldo Mincing-Bottomley vowed: "I shall take this matter to the European Court of Human Rights without further ado."

WandsworthEye hereby calls on all right-thinking citizens to deliberately tread on the toes of urban flip-flop-wearers until they cease their wanton, wicked ways. Long live modest apparel!