ROYAL WEDDING MANIA SWEEPS THE BOROUGH!

• Princess Eugenie to wed hunky Jack at Wandsworth Town Hall
• Queen said to be "delighted" over plush choice of venue
• Greggs and Iceland vie for lavish catering contract

RED, WHITE AND BLUE bunting was going up across the borough last night following yesterday's magical news that much-loved Princess Eugenie is to wed her handsome boyfriend Jack Brooksbank at Wandsworth Town Hall this autumn.

Eugenie, second daughter of popular Prince Andrew and highly respected Sarah, Duchess of York, told Wandsworth Radio in an exclusive interview that 31-year-old Jack had proposed to her late one night on the romantic top deck of the 156 bus to Vauxhall.

"We was comin' back from Chicken Cottage, yeah," explained Eugenie. "It was well wicked on da bus yeah. All of a sudden Jack got down on his knees yeah. Me was thinking he's looking for his chicken yeah. But he said he wants get married yeah. So we's gonna do it down the town hall yeah. Wicked, yeah."

As the Brighter Borough erupted into royal joy and patriotic fervour last night, a source close to Gregg's in Southside confirmed that the much-loved food-to-go emporium was vying with upmarket rival Iceland for the lucrative wedding catering contract.

"This may seem unusual," the source conceded, "but Wandsworth Council is well-known for its tight fiscal probity. On no account would they fritter away hardworking taxpayers' money on lavish fare from Marks & Spencer, Waitrose and the like. So Gregg's and its Value Range are the ideal corporate partner for this event of national significance."

As Buckingham Palace sources whispered that Her Majesty was "over the moon" at the plush arrangements for Eugenie's wedding, praise was flooding in for Wandsworth Eye, whose benevolent intervention was credited with sealing the deal.

"These days the Eye only has to raise an eyebrow, and all is done as he commands," a source close to Wandsworth Town Hall explained. "Gone are the days when we in the Brighter Borough listened to Theresa May and her Brexit henchmen."

DUP rule 'will bring godly ways to Wandsworth'

SINNERS across the borough trembled last night as hardline DUP leader Arlene Foster prepared for crucial coalition talks with Theresa May and warned of a 'crusade against vice' if a deal on a new government was reached.

DUP leader Arlene Foster 'in crusade against vice and sin'

Thursday's inconclusive general election result has put the much-feared Democratic Unionist Party in pole position to determine the moral direction of the next government, and Mrs Foster has been quick to insist on far-reaching anti-sin legislation in the Queen's Speech.

A source close to the feisty crusader said: 'For too long sordid and ungodly practices have held sway in Wandsworth. Only the DUP can put family values back at the heart of the borough.'

Loyalist marching band on Wandsworth High Street

As loyalist marching bands paraded down Wandsworth High Street, fearful residents voiced concern that their liberal lifestyles would be at risk under the new ultra-right administration. Sixteen-year-old Chavetta Nkokmah wept as she said: 'I loved Nathan off in the back of the bus last night, yeah. Dem DUP bruvs gonna tell us we can't do dat no more, yeah. Gonna be major probs wiv dat yeah.'

Last night the DUP's ultra-hardline Home Affairs Spokesman, Reverend Benny Saville, announced he would be seeking the establishment of a Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, along Saudi Arabian lines. Warning Wandsworth's citizens to banish lustful thoughts from their minds, he said: 'The DUP will ensure that all centres of vice are subjected to the most rigorous probe. Fiscal and moral rectitude will be the order of the day when the new DUP-led administration brings its godly ways to the borough.'

'Den of iniquity' - the much-loved Spread Eagle 

Wandsworth Eye has learned that DUP circles are reportedly preparing a hitlist of 'dens of iniquity' in the borough that will be closed down when Reverend Saville becomes Home Secretary. The much-loved Spread Eagle pub, the men's changing room at Putney Leisure Centre and the Patisserie Valerie in the Southside branch of Debenhams are all said to be targets of the Ulsterman's moral fervour. 

'Ooh it'll be just like the war again,' said frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. 'They closed down the Clapham Grand when a sailor pinched me bottom at a tea dance one afternoon. Ooh them were the days...'

Wandsworth 'set to win Britain in Bloom competition'

 

Excitement was mounting in horticultural circles last night amid feverish speculation that Wandsworth would win the prestigious 'Britain in Bloom' competition.

 

The Brighter Borough has long been an eager participant in the annual RHS campaign, in which neighbours up and down the country transform their areas into natural havens.

 

But this year SW18's residents have certainly pulled out all the stops. The centrepiece of the borough's entry to the 2017 competition is the attractively laid-out "Winter of Discontent" art installation in Chapel Yard.

 

The much-loved "Winter of Discontent" open-air art project

 

Just a stone's throw from Eye HQ and Southside shopping centre, the innovative project seeks to dispel myths about life under Labour in the 1970s. A party spokesman explained: "The mainstream media spread such vicious lies about socialism. This artfully arranged exhibit of uncollected garbage from a working-class household tells a compelling story about solidarity with the poor and vulnerable."

 

Residents' pride and joy: a fully grown Mattress Plant

 

Another highlight of Wandsworth's eagerly awaited entry to the Britain in Bloom contest is this unusual Mattress Plant in an otherwise unassuming alleyway between the High Street and Chapel Yard. "I've never seen one as big as this before," said a source close to the Royal Horticultural Society. "They're sure to win this time!"

 

Council praised for "verdant suburban idyll"

 

Environmental experts across the land have been quick to praise Wandsworth Council for its "outstanding" leadership role in transforming the borough from industrial wasteland to verdant suburban idyll. "It is truly remarkable what they've achieved," said a source close to the Prince of Wales. "Once Wandsworth was home to monstrous carbuncles. Now it is a veritable haven for wildlife. I shall be sending a delegation over from Poundbury to see what lessons can be learned. The council must be well pleased with the impact of its proactive urban beautification regime."

 

 

Russia 'seeking to destabilise Eye Cabinet'

Fears rose last night that Russian agents were behind a mysterious spate of illnesses that have struck down key members and allies of the Eye Cabinet in recent days, including Wandsworth Eye himself. "Orders to decapitate the Eye Cabinet have undoubtedly come directly from President Putin," explained Russia expert Prof Boris Johnsonov of Islington Polytechnic. "Wandsworth Eye's sharp critique of Russia's Syria strategy on Twitter last week appears to have been the final straw as far as Putin was concerned. He never forgives an adversary."



Putin orders 'decapitation' strategy against Eye Cabinet



The week of Russian-instigated terror began on Christmas Day when Wandsworth Eye awoke with a severely swollen foot after eating Russian-style biscuits and had to be ferried to Sittingbourne's world-famous Memorial Hospital for emergency aid. As news spread of the Eye's incapacity, news came in that much-loved Lady Crawford had been immobilised - potentially forever - by a severe ankle injury, sustained while queuing for a performance of The Nutcracker at Croydon Town Hall. "We fear that she will never be able to attend another Michael Crawford book signing again," a hospital spokesman sighed.

 



Ambulances race to ferry Eye Cabinet members to hospital

 

Matters then deteriorated on an hourly basis: Eye Cabinet stalwart Michael Davis was rushed to hospital with chest pains just hours after drinking tea with pro-Russian Labour leftwingers in a London hotel; and much-loved Arcturus 3 was cruelly struck down with Norovirus as she opened a book of Russian short stories borrowed from Streatham Hill library - only miles from the Russian embassy.

 

"There is a clear pattern emerging here," said Colonel Bertram Crudd of Wandsworth's Civil Contingencies Commissariat. "All known opponents of President Putin in the Brighter Borough are being ruthlessly targeted by cunning Russian agents who will stop at nothing to silence their opponents."

 

As police, ambulance and fire service vehicles raced noisily down Wandsworth High Street in pursuit of the evil assailants from Moscow, anxious shoppers flocked to the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's to stock up on the grocery chain's much-loved tinned chicken curry and other fine fare. Frail spinster Ethel Dumpton was among them. "Eee, it's just like the war," she commented perceptively. "I remember when Gladstone took our boys back from Dunkirk and Disraeli came to power - ooh they were hard times but we all pulled together. It's just like in them days."

 

 

Eye hailed as 'hero of the valleys'

Busloads of Welsh steelworkers were arriving at Gatwick North Terminal this afternoon to welcome Wandsworth Eye back from his successful mission to save their ailing industry. The Eye flew to the French Riviera on Monday in a last-ditch bid to rescue the Port Talbot steelworks after cruel owners Tata of India pulled the plug on the much-loved industrial complex.



French Riviera: high-powered meetings



At a time of year when most people's thoughts turn to summer holidays, the Eye went straight into high-powered meetings with local steel magnates on the Côte d'Azur, pleading with them to rescue the heart and soul of the Welsh valleys. Eager to leave no stone unturned, the Eye also plundered his celebrity contact book to arrange conference calls with wealthy potential benefactors including Roman Abramovitch, Sophia Loren and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Eye's hectic schedule 

The Eye's hectic schedule took him to dreary meetings in St-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, Villefranche-sur-Mer, Menton, Entrevaux and Antibes. And it was there, late on Friday afternoon, that the breakthrough came: an invitation to discuss the Port Talbot crisis with much-loved industrial tycoon Richard Roper at his modest pied-à-terre on Cap d'Antibes.

 

Roper's modest residence 

A source said of the encounter: "This was the breakthrough. Mr Roper had heard all about the Eye and saw in him the ideal business partner. Contracts will shortly be signed guaranteeing Port Talbot years of fruitful work. The new joint venture, Roper Eye Consulting, plans further investments in the Middle East and North Africa - which, alas, will mean much arduous business travel for the Eye in the months to come. It is most unfortunate, as the Eye had hoped to visit his dear old Aunt Mabel in Scunthorpe this summer, but work must come first."

 

Jubilant Welsh steelworkers clad in traditional costumes gathered at Gatwick's plush North Terminal this afternoon to welcome the Eye back to Britain. Their spokesman, Dafydd Davies, said: "Cwm gwillm chwil Roper Eye Consulting cwm Cymru bravo gogogoch!"

Corbyn 'will seize power and destroy the borough'

Middle-class families were anxiously packing their Volvos and preparing to flee the borough last night as rumours spread of an imminent Corbyn coup.

Jeremy Corbyn: sinister socialist

The hated leftwinger, currently hot favourite to win the Labour leadership contest, was preparing to seize power after a 'March on Westminster', sources said.

'Yes he's definitely going to launch a coup d'état,' said one Labour insider. 'On the night of his election he plans to put on his blazer, lead a battalion of crazed Marxist militiamen to Buckingham Palace, arrest the Queen and dissolve Parliament. From there he plans to march on Wandsworth Town Hall and depose much-loved Council Leader Ravi Govindia. Corbyn has long viewed Wandsworth as a vipers' nest of Tory evil.'

News of the bearded leftie's sinister plot spread like wildfire through the borough's leafy streets. Glamorous socialite Selfridgia Aliceband could be seen filling her 4x4 with hampers stuffed with quails' eggs; and frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton rushed to the shops to fill her trolley with cat food and custard creams. 'When that Attlee gets in he'll destroy the welfare state,' she predicted. 'There'll be nowt left for the likes of me. It'll be just like during the war.'

Hated leftwinger 'will nationalise much-loved Sainsbury's'

Speculation was rife last night that the militant menace would move ruthlessly to nationalise much-loved shopping emporia such as the Garratt Lane Sainsbury's. Sources close to the new Wandsworth Debenhams were also trembling with fear. 'He'll turn us into a Soviet-style workers' co-operative before we've even opened,' said one store bigwig. 'We'll be forced to hold Blue Cross sales every week of the year, instead of having honest transparent prices that people can rely on.'

Trusted Debenhams 'could go Soviet'

Last night Wandsworth Eye convened an emergency meeting of the Eye Cabinet. A statement from Eye HQ urged the borough to remain calm but vigilant in the face of the 'unprecedented' leftwing threat. 'If bearded socialists attempt to gain entry to the borough, our middle-class militia will send them packing!' the Eye statement warned. 'Be steadfast and continue to shop at Waitrose!'

 

Fears for Eye Secretary as 'stinky' chicken shop prepares to open

 

Eye Secretary @sarahbowen74 wept last night as the opening of a 'stinky' Chicken Cottage outlet opposite her plush London townhouse threatened to plunge the neighbourhood into the abyss.

The much-loved Eye Secretary Without Portfolio & Eye Spokesperson for Health, Social Care & Women's Issues was said to be "on the brink of despair" ahead of the opening of the hated fast-food emporium in her leafy lane.

 

Much-loved Eye Sec

Amid predictions of an upsurge in stabbings and sullen youths openly displaying their stolen luxury underwear, the Eye Secretary tweeted forlornly: "I can cope with the pants, but have my hands full as it is with my Poles. never rains but it pours!"

 

Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest, a neighbour of the Eye Secretary's, also voiced her concern. "The prospect of all those strapping youths flocking to our quiet residential neighbourhood fills me with apprehension. However I've heard some very good things about Chicken Cottage, and I'm inclined to spend much of my time there from now on." 

Sullen youths

 

Frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer was also highly critical of the planned nugget emporium. "What we need here is a nice Lyon's Corner House," she said. "Them used to be the days. We had tripe and corned beef sarnies 'n all. Then they closed them all down when Queen Victoria came to the throne and it all went downhill from there."

 

Last night the influential Eye Cabinet was rallying round. In a statement issued from Eye HQ in Chapel Yard, WandsworthEye said: "On no account must sullen urban youths be permitted to spread their menace in the environs of the Eye Secretary. If only the Liberal Democrats were still in government, this would never have happened." 

 

 

EYE AIRLIFTED TO SAFETY

• Chaos on streets of Wandsworth as nation prepares to vote
• Panic-buying and empty shelves at Garratt Lane Sainsbury's  
• SNP takeover 'imminent' as militiamen battle with plucky locals

Amid mounting chaos in Wandsworth on the eve of Britain's fiercely contested general election, a Special Forces rescue squad landed on the roof of Eye HQ this afternoon and airlifted the Eye to safety.

The Eye is airlifted from the roof of Eye HQ

As street battles raged outside between plucky locals and militiamen loyal to hated separatist leader Nikola Sturzhonova, the much-loved Eye was whisked away by helicopter to Gatwick, where he boarded one of the last flights out of the country to a secret destination off the coast of the Western Sahara.

The Eye's secret hideaway

"I can confirm that the Eye is now in safety," a spokesman said. "He is resting after a long and arduous journey, but continues to monitor developments in our crisis-wracked country with deep concern. The Eye wishes to thank the brave Special Forces who rescued him from grave peril with no thought for their own welfare."

On a day of despair across the borough, basic food supplies were running out as anxious residents flocked to Garratt Lane Sainsbury's in the hope of filling their bare cupboards. Frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer was among those scavenging for the last tins of beans. "If the SNP get in they'll fly the red flag from Wandsworth town hall and we'll all be sent to concentration camps," she warned. "It'll be just like when Hitler became Queen, you mark my words."

Empty shelves and scenes of panic at Garratt Lane Sainsbury's

Further along Garratt Lane, workmen were already busy erecting the plush new Palace of the Republic, from which Nikola Sturzhonova plans to rule her English dominions after the general election. Frightened contractors spoke of a vast network of dungeons under the monumental building, in which opponents of the SNP will be incarcerated and tortured with non-stop recordings of Ed Miliband speeches.

The SNP's hated Palace of the Republic on Garratt Lane

With final opinion polls before the general election showing the SNP on course to win hundreds of English seats as well as 80 of the 59 in Scotland, other key national figures were following the Eye's lead and fleeing incipient civil war. The Queen and Prince Philip reportedly boarded a midnight flight to Pyongyang; Theresa May was last seen waiting at Istanbul bus station, headed for the Syrian border; and Wandsworth Council leader Ravi Govindia is said to have taken up exile in Kensington & Chelsea.

In a statement just issued, WandsworthEye said: "At this grave juncture, I call upon all residents of SW18 to fight the wicked machinations of the Scottish National Party. Would the Eye Cabinet please assemble in Chapel Yard, pitchforks at the ready, for the battle will be long and hard."

SWT wins prestigious local rail franchise

Wandsworth commuters were rejoicing last night after Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin awarded a prestigious local rail franchise to South West Trains. The much-loved train operator, whose punctiliously reliable services have attracted worldwide acclamation, beat off stiff competition from rivals Southern, Southeastern, First Great Western and Arriva Wales to secure the coveted right to run the Southside Express for the next 20 years.

The glamorous Southside Express on its first day of operation

The busy circular service, operating every 20 minutes between Topshop and Waitrose at Southside shopping centre, will now be able to benefit from South West Trains' years of experience running trusted commuter services between Waterloo and Addlestone. Informed sources said SWT had won the franchise after promising that safety information would be displayed in all coaches - in English, Polish, Gujarati, Braille and Cuneiform.
 
"This is such an exciting day for Wandsworth," declared Aurelia Abercrombie-Postlethwaite, the borough's high-profile Integrated Transport Coordinator. "South West Trains will undoubtedly bring a commitment to excellence to this crucial service in the heart of the community. We all know they are the undisputed champion of customer care."

Last night officials spoke of far-reaching plans to extend the service well beyond Southside shopping centre to other parts of the borough. Respected Labour leader Ed Miliband also weighed into the debate, pledging: "If Labour wins the general election in May, I am very clear that we will consider examining a possible feasibility study into a potential extension of this key service that would otherwise be axed by the coalition." 

Experts said an envisaged link to a new WandsworthEye HQ Interchange in Chapel Yard could be completed by 2035 - even before Crossrail 2 and the Bakerloo Line extension.

Artist's impression of the proposed WandsworthEye HQ Interchange

However, fears rose last night that even South West Trains might struggle to cope with the vast logistical challenges of running the complex Southside Express franchise. Within minutes of the first train departing, a series of unforeseen issues caused delays around the entire 10-metre loop:

• A teddy bear dropped onto the track by five-year-old Stacey derailed the 08:45 service to Topshop, causing light casualties.
• Signal failure at Waitrose North meant anticlockwise services had to terminate at the flower stall.
• Engineering works between Uniqlo and WHSmith left passengers struggling onto Rail Replacement Buses with their heavy shopping.

"It were utter pandemonium," complained frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer. "I don't know how I'm going to carry me cat food and custard creams home from Sainsbury's." 

'Black magic' coffee bar stokes fears of satanic rituals

Residents of Chapel Yard fled their neighbourhood in terror last night as rumours circulated that the new Black Chapel espresso bar was merely a cunning front for 'secret satanic rituals'. 

The imminent opening of the swanky new coffee outlet has been welcomed by long-standing opponents of Costa, just a stone's throw across the road. But some concerned locals said the 'sinister' signage recalled the very worst atrocities of 1980s TV favourite "Hammer House of Horror". 

Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Age Concern said: "My grandchildren burst into tears every time we walk past on our way to Waitrose. We have to make a big detour now and go past all the horrid chicken nugget shops on the High Street."

The 'sinister' new coffee bar in the heart of Chapel Yard

Amid frightened talk of 'black magic' practices including the sacrifice of severed goats' heads and the drinking of Asda Smart Price vodka, religious leaders appealed for calm and urged the community to remain steadfast in its prayers. The Reverend Benny Savile, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, said: "We don't want any Sexpresso bars in our community, thank you very much. I shall be writing to UKIP and the Daily Mail to alert them to this latest threat to traditional family values in the heart of Tory-controlled Wandsworth."

Fears of sorcery in SW18

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton was also unambiguous in her opposition to the new coffee emporium. "I'd never be able to afford one of them posh coffees on me state pension," she complained. "Not after I've spent most of it on cat food and custard creams at the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's."

But housewife Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe ran to the defence of the Black Chapel espresso entrepreneurs. "I am one of many residents who have the misfortune to dwell above a chicken shop," she explained. "And I am firmly of the belief that this lavish new coffee bar presages an exciting new era for Chapel Yard, in which tracksuit-wearing chicken nugget-eating chavs will be banished for evermore. Hurrah for Black Chapel! All we need now is a little boutique branch of Harvey Nicks, a Gail's bakery and half a dozen estate agents, and Wandsworth truly will be coming up in the world!"

Illegal Scottish migrants 'already flooding the borough'

Wandsworth Council went into emergency session last night as reports came in of illegal Scottish migrants flocking to the Brighter Borough in search of work, shelter and safety. With just days to go till the disputed referendum, Scots were fleeing across the border in their dozens, in a desperate bid to escape the clutches of hated separatist leader Aleksandr Salmondov and his ruthless deputy Nicola Sturzhonova.

"The referendum is just a ploy to annexe Scotland to eastern Ukraine," explained one destitute asylum seeker as he tucked into a box of fried chicken on Wandsworth High Street. "We'll just be a wee little colony ruled from Donetsk. Aye, that we will."   

Hated Scottish rebel leader Aleksandr Salmondov

As community leaders appealed for calm, council officials rushed to set up refugee camps in King George's Park. Charities appealed for donations of deep-fried Mars bars and cans of triple-strength lager to make the newcomers feel at home. "The situation is heartbreaking," said Bertram Crudd, Deputy Stakeholder Engagement Officer at Wandsworth Council. "Many of the new arrivals don't speak English and there's very little hope of them ever integrating into society."

  

Illegal Scottish migrants arriving in Wandsworth

Fears were also rising last night that the flood of migrants could spread deadly viruses such as Ebola throughout the borough, even in plusher areas such as Bellevue Road and Nightingale Lane. "We urge all Wandsworth residents to remain calm but vigilant," said Dr Maurice Elzheimer of South West London NHS Foundation Trust In Association With Vodafone. "If you see any Scottish people coughing, quickly return home, draw the curtains and inform the authorities. Safety is paramount." 

Treacherous Post Office slammed over move to 'manky' Ram Street

Wandsworth Post Office bosses were slammed last night after sharp-eyed residents uncovered a top-secret plan to abandon their much-loved High Street branch and relocate miles away to the crime-ridden junction with down-at-heel Ram Street.

News of the cunning move only came to light when a sign the size of a postage stamp appeared in the window of the High Street outlet on the day England crashed humiliatingly out of the World Cup. "With attention focused elsewhere, this was evidently deemed a good day to bury bad news," commented top media analyst Ruperta Muerre-Doque. 

News seeps out of the Post Office's cruel plan

Pensioners' representatives were at the forefront of a public outcry, voicing fears that frail elderly folk would struggle to find their way to the remote new branch. Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Pensioners in Peril (WPiP) stormed: "This is outrageous. The new branch is over a hundred metres away on the other side of a busy main road. Old folk will get mown down as they try to cross in their mobility scooters. I blame the Liberal Democrats for this - you mark my words, they'll get their comeuppance at the general election."

The new branch on 'grim and menacing' Ram Street

Tourism chiefs were also trembling with rage. "What kind of message does this send out to the waves of international visitors now flocking to the borough after the opening of Premier Inn on Garratt Lane?" asked one travel industry bigwig. "How can we expect French, German and Italian tourists to make their way to grim, menacing Ram Street to buy their postage stamps? They will all get stabbed by chicken nugget-eating hoodlums." 

Last night there were mounting calls for a trenchant and merciless intervention by WandsworthEye. But in a statement, Eye HQ said: "Unfortunately there is no time to deal with this issue as all attention must now be focused on the forthcoming All-Iberian Apostrophe Congress. In the Eye's absence, please forward all enquiries to the Deputy Eye, the Assistant Deputy Eye, the Eye Spokesperson on Health, Social Care & Women's Issues, or the Eye Political Consultant."

As the borough's inhabitants prepared to bid WandsworthEye a tearful farewell at Gatwick airport, frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer could be seen wandering forlornly up and down Wandsworth High Street in search of the new Post Office. "Where am I gonna get me ration coupons now?" she cried in despair. "It's just like the war, when the Liberals were last in power..."

Package holiday boom turns Wandsworth into 'new Costa Brava'

Wandsworth's fledgling tourism sector looked set for explosive growth last night as industry bigwigs predicted that the opening of the new Premier Inn on Garratt Lane would usher in a package holiday boom in SW18.

As leading tour operators scrambled to include Wandsworth's latest luxury hotel in their Summer 2014 brochures, there was talk of the Brighter Borough taking its proud place among the world's No.1 holiday hotspots.

"Mark my words," said one source close to Wandsworth Council. "Premier Inn's prescient decision to expand its 5-star offering in southwest London means the big times are coming for our much-loved neighbourhood." He predicted: "They'll call it the Costa Wandla."

The lavishly appointed new Premier Inn

Glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest watched approvingly as workmen put the final touches to Wandsworth's new luxury hotel complex. "I stayed at the Battersea Travelodge the other night," she said, wrinkling her nose, "and it was bloody awful. But a Premier Inn is in a different category altogether. And no wonder it's been built on well-to-do Garratt Lane. They'd never have put it among the manky chicken shops on the High Street."

Tourism officials also rubbed their hands in glee as they looked forward to years of bounty in the borough. Unveiling plans for a proposed Wandle Beach to complement the new hotel facility, the Chief Executive of VisitBritain said: "There's so much for holidaymakers to do in Wandsworth, even before the beach is completed. Families might enjoy a meal at Nando's in Southside shopping centre, for example. Or perhaps they could pay a visit to the newly-expanded Notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's. But do be careful when using the perilous escalator - and don't forget to hold the handrail at all times." 

Artist's impression of proposed Wandle Beach

Eye/UKIP coalition will save borough from the abyss

There was growing clamour last night for WandsworthEye and much-loved UKIP to forge an historic coalition to save the borough from Ukrainian-style chaos after the disputed May 22 council elections.

Much-loved UKIP poster

With the ruling Conservative group's wafer-thin 40-seat majority on Wandsworth council now under serious threat, community leaders voiced fears that marauding gangs from down-at-heel Roehampton and Tooting could cunningly use post-election uncertainty as a cover to launch daring raids in more prestigious parts of the borough.

Bertram Crudd, chairman of the South-West London Civil Resilience Committee, said: "With WandsworthEye currently attending the crucial Fuerteventura Apostrophe Congress, there is much potential for disorder on the borough's plusher streets such as Chapel Yard."

Eye at 'crucial' Fuerteventura congress 

But in a statement issued last night from Temporary Eye HQ in Corralejo, the much-loved Sentinel of SW18 explained:

"Clearly the enemies of order will be plotting relentless mayhem during the Eye's absence. But fear not. The resolute Deputy Eye and ever-faithful Assistant Deputy Eye are both keeping rigorous watch over the borough until Election Day. 

"Meanwhile, secret negotiations with top-level representatives from UKIP are approaching a successful conclusion and all is now in place for an historic Eye/UKIP coalition to save the borough from the abyss.

"Both parties are united in the firm, unwavering belief that hard-pressed council taxpayers' money must no longer be frittered away on frivolous politically-correct fripperies such as lesbian playgroups and the like. 

"And above all, WandsworthEye and UKIP are the only forces resisting the devious machinations of the treacherous East Wandsworth separatists, who are intent upon rule by loony leftwing Lambeth."

Ukraine crisis spreads to Wandsworth

• UN Security Council 'in emergency session'
• Reports of street fighting across Roehampton
• Garratt Lane Sainsbury's 'running out of baked beans'

In a dramatic escalation of the Ukraine crisis, there were reports last night of pro-Russian separatists storming community buildings in outlying districts of Wandsworth, close to the much-loved borough's disputed borders with Lambeth, Merton and Richmond. The UN Security Council was said to be 'in emergency session' as world leaders including Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and WandsworthEye appealed for calm. But President Putin condemned preparations for the borough council elections on May 22 as "a farce" and vowed he would not hesitate to step in to protect Russia's interests if LibDem supporters were prevented from casting their vote.    

Pro-Russian militiamen marching through the streets of Roehampton

Observers on the ground said the crisis reached Wandsworth late on Friday night after drunken youths ransacked a chicken nugget shop on Roehampton's plush main shopping parade. "The owner picked up the phone and called Moscow, and minutes later burly men clad in combat gear and balaclavas appeared on the streets with sub-machine guns," explained one local. Shortly afterwards the JobCentre, housing benefit office and headquarters of Roehampton UKIP were stormed by pro-Russian separatists. "It were pandemonium," said frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she peeped nervously through her net curtains. "I'll never get out now to buy me cat food and custard creams."

Harrowing scenes of devastation at Tooting Broadway

Within hours the street-fighting had spread to other less salubrious parts of the borough, including North Battersea and Tooting Broadway. Residents in the more upmarket Wandsworth Town area flocked to the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's to stock up on emergency provisions. "We well remember the Eye's wise advice during the height of last year's terrifying North Korean crisis," said housewife Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, clutching a basket of tinned tuna and toilet tissue. "With those horrid Russians running amok throughout the borough it is best to be prepared for all eventualities."  

President Putin directs operations in SW18 from his Moscow lair

As fearful residents rushed to their bunkers, WandsworthEye's Government-in-waiting met at Eye HQ in Chapel Yard for top-level discussions. In a statement issued late last night, the much-loved community watchdog and Sentinel of SW18 said: "The Eye, the Deputy Eye, the Assistant Deputy Eye, the Eye Political Consultant and Eye Spokesperson for Women's Issues demand the immediate removal of Russian troops from the streets of Tooting, though they are perfectly welcome to maintain order in Roehampton. In fact, Russia can just have Roehampton. Would Moscow like a generous IMF loan to help finance its occupation? All can be arranged."