Wandsworth in mourning as Dear Leader passes away

Public clamour for statue of beloved Thatcher

The Dear Leader, scourge of the Liberal Democrats

WandsworthEye today led tear-filled public tributes to Baroness Thatcher, whose wise and benign rule brought years of plenty to the borough. In a statement issued by Eye HQ, the much-loved community news service said: 'Today, as tramps and vagabonds roam the streets and Liberal Democrats winkle their cunning way into government, the days of the Dear Leader's munificent and bountiful administration seem like a long-lost golden age of national harmony. WandsworthEye calls on the Town Hall to follow the lead of key public buildings across the country and fly the Union Jack at half mast.'

Amid uncontrollable weeping on the streets of Wandsworth, patriotic citizens queued up outside Eye HQ on Chapel Yard to sign a special Book of Condolence. First in the queue was frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer, who reminisced: 'I remember how she kept the borough together during the dark days of the war. "We shall fight them on the common, we shall fight them on the banks of the Wandle and at Battersea heliport. We shall fight with increasing strength around the Winstanley Estate and on Northcote Road. We shall never surrender." Oh I remember her speech like it was yesterday...'

Glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest was also waiting patiently in the queue to write loving words of appreciation for the Dear Leader's many good deeds. 'If only we could return to the days when Maggie ruled and order prevailed,' she said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. 'You never used to get chavvy people in tracksuits eating chicken nuggets on buses while playing tinny rap music on their mobiles when she was Prime Minister.'

Work on a Thatcher statue at the Town Hall will start 'imminently'

Meanwhile, a source close to Wandsworth Town Hall confirmed that building work would soon commence to erect a giant statue of Baroness Thatcher in the building's attractive gardens. 'The idea is for it to tower over the entire borough, dwarfing even the ugly high-rise flats at Southside,' explained one well-informed insider. 'But don't worry, we won't raise council tax to pay for it - we'll just put up manky people's rents.'

 

WANDSWORTH TEETERS ON BRINK OF NUCLEAR CALAMITY

Families flee to shelters after Kim Jong Un's menacing statement

Hated North Korean LibDem dictator Kim Jong Un

Wandsworth was trembling last night after hated North Korean leader Kim Jong Un revealed that the southwest London borough would not be spared the nuclear holocaust he is preparing for vast swathes of the western world.

In a statement issued in Pyongyang on Easter Saturday, the vicious LibDem dictator warned: "I have ordered the heroic Armed Forces of the Korean Liberal Democratic Republic to swing into action against the imperialist conservatives who have controlled Wandsworth council for the past three decades. Their wicked pro-American machinations will now receive just punishment, you mark my words."

As Wandsworth's residents fled to their nuclear bunkers, the National Opera Studio in Chapel Yard called for calm and confirmed that this Tuesday's lunchtime recital would go ahead as planned. However Tops Pizzas on the High Street announced it would be closing early each night as a precautionary measure.

Transport for London said buses heading out of town, such as the 37 to Putney Heath, were far busier than usual as local residents sought sanctuary away from built-up areas. In a further development, key services such as the much-loved 87 to Aldwych are being rerouted to avoid critical infrastructure such as Southside shopping centre. "If necessary they will have to go via Tooting High Road for the duration of the conflict," a spokesman explained. "I doubt whether Tooting figures highly on the North Koreans' list of missile targets."

Wandsworth residents who cannot flee the borough or move to a safer area are being advised to seek shelter in bunkers such as the one depicted below at Eye HQ in Chapel Yard:

The well-appointed nuclear bunker at Eye HQ

"Ensure you are well-stocked with emergency provisions," advised Colonel Bertram Crudd, chairman of the South-West London Civil Contingencies Committee. "A couple of tins of nutritious baked beans, some canned tuna and sardines perhaps, and not forgetting bathroom tissue of course. The Protect And Survive booklet will explain exactly what to do in the aftermath of the nuclear attack, so there really is absolutely no need to worry."

"Ooh it's just like the war," commented frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she stripped the supermarket shelves bare of cat food and custard creams. "Never mind, eh. We'll all rally round. It'll be the Blitz spirit all over again."

In a further escalation of the international crisis, North Korean state television was last night showing a simulated missile attack on Wandsworth town hall, only narrowly missing the much-loved Eye HQ in Chapel Yard.

"It's so typical of the LibDems," said glamorous socialite Octavia Belle-Wether. "Clegg, Cable, Kim Jong Un, they're all just out to get ordinary people like you and me. If only Ukip were in charge of North Korea, things would be so much more civilised..."

Madeira apostrophe congress 'is not a junket'

WandsworthEye was widely praised last night after reluctantly agreeing to forsake the hedonistic pleasures of springtime in London and embark on a gruelling three-and-a-half-hour flight to Madeira to attend the Global Apostrophe Congress. As Wandsworth's parks and gardens filled to brimming point with picnicking families and sun-worshippers, all eager to make the most of the balmy Mediterranean weather conditions, the Eye's editor-in-chief gloomily packed his suitcase and set off for Gatwick Airport.

The cheery springtime view from WandsworthEye HQ

"Once again, WandsworthEye has demonstrated its selfless devotion to duty," commented neighbour Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe. "Who would not prefer to be basking in the sunshine of SW18 rather than toiling away at a dreary apostrophe congress on the other side of the world?"

Scheming Liberal Democrats were slammed last night for wickedly insinuating that the Madeira congress was a thinly-disguised junket. As secret photographs came to light of the apostrophe delegates hard at work, supporters of WandsworthEye rallied round the much-loved community news service. "It only reflects well on the borough that our voice is being heard with such clarity in the crucial global apostrophe talks," said influential socialite Octavia Belle-Wether. "Let the cunning Liberal Democrats be silent for evermore."

Delegates hard at work at the global apostrophe talks in Madeira

WandsworthEye will resume its daily Twitter feed on Saturday 30 March and wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Happy Easter.

'Wicked' LibDems in fresh assault on family values

There was consternation throughout the borough last night as reports came in of a cunning new LibDem campaign to promote the dishevelled, disorderly and dissolute lifestyles of tramps, vagabonds and other ne'er-do-wells. 

A typical vagabond sunning himself on a bench in Wandsworth

WandsworthEye was shocked to discover that an elderly lady by the name of Sandrine Taylor has been using Twitter to promote her  wicked work as Chairperson of the Wandsworth Friends of Tramps and Vagabonds. 

Describing herself as a "fruit tea drinker, hemp weaver and Liberal Democrat", the shameless spinster has been using the micro-blogging site to boast of the lavish feasts she has been preparing for the borough's layabouts. 

One recent tweet even had the temerity to attack much-loved WandsworthEye, which as readers will know has long been at the vanguard of efforts to protect respectable family values: 

Sandrine Taylor‏@TaylorSandrine

I've also made crispy cakes for hungry comrades on Wandsworth's streets - targets of the malevolent @WandsworthEye pic.twitter.com/Woc79f6zpG

"There truly is nothing the Liberal Democrats won't stoop to," commented Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying the borough. "Thankfully most LibDems are in prison now, but we must all remain vigilant. Only recently a Metropolitan Police helicopter was circling over Wandsworth all night trying to identify hidden Liberal Democrat activists. On no account must we listen to the siren voices of Clegg, Cable or Sandrine Taylor - whose manifesto would surely lead us down the road to moral turpitude. Hurrah for WandsworthEye for exposing their false prophecies!"

Global elite flock to Wandsworth's 'most exclusive' store

WandsworthEye has been criticised in some quarters for its unrelenting focus on the community's bleakest and most troubling news. Since the much-loved neighbourhood stalwart began serving residents of SW18 in February last year, it has never flinched from exposing scandal and evil in our midst. From plague-spreading pigeons to the tramps and vagabonds sowing reckless disorder in our community, WandsworthEye has always been at the vanguard of investigative reporting - undaunted even by last week's cowardly, dastardly attack on Eye HQ. But today, as thoughts in this balmy weather inevitably turn to spring, WandsworthEye has some uplifting news about the borough's ever-prospering retail sector...

The lavish store on Upper Richmond Rd

Wandsworth business leaders were celebrating last night after new figures revealed that high-spending overseas tourists were flocking in their thousands to the borough's most glamorous retail emporium. The aptly named EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET, occupying a prime site on the Upper Richmond Road near East Putney tube station, has now overtaken Harrods, Selfridges and Harvey Nichols as London's most fashionable store. With a massive array of enticing designer items on sale, the shop boasts an annual turnover of close to £8.50. And senior local commerce figures have spoken with jubilation of the 'snowball effect' the store's presence is having on Wandsworth's entire retail sector.

Shelves chock-full of designer goods

"This is exactly the kind of retail outlet the neighbourhood needs," said one business executive, surveying the store's bright and attractive interior with evident pleasure. "Note how much thought and attention has been given to the shop's design, and to the attractive display of produce. No wonder some of Europe's most glamorous socialites are often to be seen lingering among the aisles."

But frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton said she could not envisage transferring her custom to the EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET. "Just look at the price of them custard creams!" she raged. "It's all very well for Arab sheikhs and the like, but us senior citizens can't afford posh stuff like that."

Enticing bags of sugar for sale

Undaunted by the Knightsbridge-level prices, local socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette spoke of her joy that Wandsworth's retail sector was finally making a global name for itself. "It's such a relief to have nice shops such as these in the heart of our community," she gushed. "In former days one always feared bumping into tramps, vagabonds and other manky people while popping out for a pint of milk, but no more! Come on Mungo!" she called to her little boy. "It's time for your weekly clavichord lesson."

Last night council leaders raised the prospect that plans to expand Heathrow Airport might need some revision in the light of Wandsworth's massive popularity with shoppers from overseas. "Forget the third Heathrow runway," said one influential source. "What we need is a Wandsworth International Airport to handle all the traffic to and from the EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET." 

Mouthwatering freshly baked produce on display

Meanwhile, Costa Coffee was monitoring the situation carefully amid concern that its well-heeled clientele would now flock to the EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET for lunchtime snacks. "Just look at that wide array of mouthwatering titbits," said housewife Henrietta Harpington, pointing to a lavishly-fitted cabinet chock-full of steaming hot pies, pastries and puddings. "Yummy yummy, this is the best EVER. Thank heavens for WandsworthEye, without whose timely reportage the community would be blind to the tasty morsels in its midst."  

Eye repels dastardly attack on HQ! Mass arrests throughout the borough

Wandsworth was in lockdown last night following an audacious attempted burglary at Eye HQ on Chapel Yard. As frightened residents fled behind their John Lewis blinds, police made mass arrests throughout the borough and there was talk in some quarters of martial law being declared in parts of SW18.

The incident in question occurred at lunchtime on Monday as WandsworthEye's editor-in-chief was resting in bed following a long night of investigative probes into issues of national and international import. Suddenly, he was woken by a succession of loud thuds emanating from the passageway outside Eye HQ. Using sophisticated monitoring equipment including a cunningly hidden peephole, he discovered that a shaven-headed thug was attempting to kick down the door of the neighbouring property. He shouted boldly at the assailant who then fled the premises, and following a breathless 999 call police were on the scene within minutes.  

Enhanced security features at Eye HQ

As the security services began to round up all local scoundrels, ne'er-do-wells and antisocial elements, WandsworthEye took to Twitter to update the community and reassure its phalanx of devoted followers that the doughty and indomitable news service would continue undeterred. New security features were installed at the entrance to Eye HQ, including the unforgivingly lethal portcullis pictured to the left. 

"The Eye's opponents will be trembling in their beds tonight," warned a source close to the much-loved community portal. "The full force of the law will come down on the wicked, evil assailant who sought to bring terror to the heart of this close-knit neighbourhood."  

Meanwhile, friends and supporters of WandsworthEye condemned the dastardly attack and demanded the severest punishment for the intruder. Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton said: "In my youth I was a proponent of liberal criminal justice policies, foolishly believing that criminals could be reformed through kindness. Now, however, I realise how mistaken I was. This shaven-headed thug should be dangled from a lamppost by his testicles while being thoroughly whipped by all and sundry."

Little Bo Peep 'a suspect too'

"We must all be on our guard now," warned mild-mannered Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, a near-neighbour of WandsworthEye. "Every uninvited visitor to Eye HQ will henceforth be treated with the utmost suspicion. Even if I come across Little Bo Peep in the hallway, I will pin her to the floor and smash her face into the ground. There will be no exceptions made whatsover, I'm afraid. What a shame that it all had to come to this."

Last night there was speculation that the intruder may have been seeking to steal apostrophes from WandsworthEye's secret emergency repository. "Let us remain vigilant," said a source close to the cherished community news service. "If you see any suspicious apostrophes in shop windows, please contact Eye HQ immediately."

Fears rise over 'sinister' cafe

Official investigators launched a major probe last night as bewildered residents voiced fears over 'sinister' activities at the new coffee shop on Wandsworth High Street. Adjacent to the much-loved 220 bus stop, and just a stone's throw from WandsworthEye HQ, the plush establishment has been open for business since the New Year - yet it still has no sign above the premises.

The sinister establishment

"Whatever do they sell there?" wondered frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she trundled past the nameless cafe with her tartan shopping trolley. "I'm always on the lookout for bargain-basement cat food and custard creams." But her companion Mabel Drearie was less sanguine. "They'll be up to no good," she ventured. "Behind the cunning guise of a harmless cafe, it will undoubtedly be a secret headquarters for Mormons or Liberal Democrats, or something of that ilk." Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette had a different view altogether. "Shops without names tend to sell embarrassing things," she pointed out. "Like whips and dildos. So good to see Ann Summers getting a run for its money in the heart of SW18."

A much-praised rival

A source close to Wandsworth Council's Retail Signage Inspectorate revealed that the department had been deluged with calls from anxious residents since the sinister cafe's opening. "Our inspectors will be paying them a visit shortly," said Signage Inspector-General Albert Oddbod. "We have grave doubts over whether the establishment is fully compliant with EU signage regulations. If they want some inspiration they should look across the road at Toast. Now there's a cafe with a proper name, following best practice in all matters pertaining to signage. You know what you're getting at Toast. A nice organic brioche delicately scattered with Fair Trade poppy seeds." 

Last night there was speculation, however, that the nameless cafe was merely taking its time to ensure correct apostrophe placement. A source close to the establishment admitted: "The sign was ready months ago, but we are hesitant about displaying it as our knowledge of apostrophe usage is somewhat shaky. We are well aware that we trade within the domain and purview of cherished community stalwart WandsworthEye, and tremble at the thought that we might incur its displeasure."

The Eye can exclusively reveal that the establishment's proposed name is TEA'S AND COFFEE'S.