CRISIS OVER 'IRRESPONSIBLE' NEW WANDSWORTH CO-OP

• No planning permission for garish green balloons
• Pensioners in peril in narrow aisles
• Sweets, cakes and chocolates 'will cause obesity explosion'

There were mounting calls last night for Wandsworth's glamorous new Co-operative store to be bulldozed down amid a litany of complaints about the retailer's "irresponsible" behaviour. The new food outlet, conveniently situated on the corner of Buckhold Road and Chapel Yard, is but a stone's throw from Eye HQ in the very heart of Wandsworth. 

Frail pensioner in peril 

However, within hours of its long-awaited opening on Monday morning, officials at the South-West London Health & Safety Inspectorate were convening emergency sessions of their much-feared Resilience Committee to address mounting concerns over the garish green balloons surrounding the store's entrance.

"So far as we can ascertain, no planning permission was secured for the balloons in question," explained Bertram Crudd, Stakeholder Engagement Supervisor at the SWLHSI. "This wilful disregard of due procedure casts a very poor light on the social responsibility of the Co-operative Group. Coming so soon after the shameless shenanigans of rampant Reverend Flowers, we believe the entire organisation should now be disbanded."

Pensioners' campaign groups were also aghast at the 'confusing' store entrance and warned that frail old folk could get their walking sticks caught up in the plethora of balloons. Local resident Doris Elzheimer, one of the first customers to visit the new store on Monday morning, said: "It's a right mess, I don't know how I'm going to get me buggy in there. Them aisles are too narrow 'n all. It reminds me of that time a tin of corned beef fell on Mabel Drearie's head in Frobisher's Grocery Emporium back in 1939. Those were the days. It were just after William Gladstone became Queen. Eee, I remember it like it were yesterday."

Sweets 'so dangerous for health'

Meanwhile, slim middle-class shoppers complained that much of the retail space in the lavish new store appeared to be dominated by sweets, cakes, chocolates and other unhealthy fare. "I came in here for some organic low-cal celery and diet mineral water," explained glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, "but nowhere are they to be found. Instead, the entire place seems reminiscent of the Elephant & Castle Tesco - not that I've ever been there."

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the district's better chicken shops, sighed as she struggled to squeeze past pasty-faced mothers with cumbersome pushchairs. "Even the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's attracts a better class of customer," she said. "I know WandsworthEye always warns so trenchantly of Garratt Lane's many failings, but I for one will continue to shop there. I do love the constant announcements telling us how to use the new escalator. So handy."

Garish offers 'will attract chavs'

WandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous 2014.   

Borough 'will starve to death when Sainsbury's closes'

Charities, church and local government organisations were hurriedly preparing contingency plans last night as fears rose of widespread famine throughout SW18 when notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's closes its doors on November 19.

The callous store, whose endless refit has already driven many of WandsworthEye's followers to the brink of despair, will be shut for over a week during the key pre-festive shopping period, forcing respectable citizens to dice with death at Poundland and other nearby retail outlets. 

Notorious store announces callous closure

"I don't know what I'm going to do," wept frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. "Where'm I gonna get me cat food and me custard creams?"

Her friend Doris Elzheimer recalled: "It'll be just like when Frobisher's grocery stores had to close when a bomb dropped on it in World War Two. I remember it like it were yesterday. It were just after Mr Gladstone came to open the new branch of Asda down Clapham Junction way..."

As public health bodies scrambled to deal with the expected borough-wide famine, there were calls for WandsworthEye to provide an emergency soup kitchen featuring its much-loved Liver Dumpling Broth. A spokesman at Eye HQ said this option would indeed be considered - though there was concern that the kindly service might be abused by local tramps and vagabonds.

With the clock ticking down to the fateful day of November 19, panic-stricken customers stripped the shelves of Garratt Lane Sainsbury's even barer than they usually are. Choice morsels including tins of Sainsbury's own brand chicken curry were proving especially popular as the borough hunkered down for the cold, harsh winter.

Some of the lavish products for sale at plush Garratt Lane Sainsbury's

"Oh WandsworthEye, what shall we do?" cried glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest as she spent her last pennies on some of the tempting fare on display. "If only the Liberal Democrats hadn't been let into government, things would all be so much better. Let us heed the wise words of WandsworthEye and ignore the siren voices Clegg and Cable!" 

Eye 'set to be the new Nigel Slater'

The Eye's phalanx of devoted followers were overjoyed last night as Wandsworth's trenchant community leader received fulsome endorsement from much-loved TV chef Nigel Slater.

WandsworthEye has long been famed throughout SW18 for tweeting incisively about matters of local, national and global import. But in an exciting new departure, the Chapel Yard scribe has now begun sharing details of his hearty home cooking with his burgeoning army of avid followers.

And in a stunning development this week, culinary king Nigel Slater took to social media to admit that the Eye was now on the verge of usurping his own position as the nation's number one expert in frugal fare:

Eye followers were delighted by Slater's intervention and urged their trenchant leader to take the TV star's advice and grow a rakish beard. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a chicken shop on Wandsworth High Street, said: "This is the endorsement we've all been waiting for! Oh do grow a lusty beard, sagacious Eye, and please divulge your secret recipe for Bavarian-style liver dumpling broth!"

Opera studio's rage at 'slovenly' neighbours

The opera studio: magnet for borough's high society 

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as sources close to the National Opera Studio lambasted its 'slummy' neighbours and warned that the much-loved institution might have to relocate to a more salubrious district.

The Opera Studio, whose premises lie but a stone's throw from Eye HQ in Chapel Yard, has long been a magnet for the borough's high society.

Glamorous socialites including Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, Octavia Belle-Wether and Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest are often to be seen at the studio's A-list champagne receptions, mingling with key local councillors and other important figures.

But angry opera singers are now said to be threatening to boycott the studio's popular lunchtime recitals. According to one well-placed source, Chapel Yard has just become "too manky" for the superstars in recent months.

"There's always been a problem in this area with people thoughtlessly dropping fried chicken cartons into the gutter," she explained. "But then we had workmen in dirty overalls starting to loiter in the yard smoking cigarettes. And when a slovenly, chaotic family moved into the apartment block opposite our building, that was the final straw for many. They said Chapel Yard had become just as common as Romford."

The slovenly family's higgledy-piggledy balcony

The Opera Studio's harsh words were echoed by many in the once august, dignified neighbourhood. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a nearby chicken shop, said: "I for one would not be seen dead in Chapel Yard. Those manky people who've strewn their lovely balcony with all manner of ghastly clutter should hang their heads in shame."

And frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer concurred wholeheartedly. "It used to be so lovely round here," she recalled, with tears coming to her eyes. "I remember when Mr Gladstone opened the village fete in 1924, it was just after Mrs Thatcher came to power. Ooh them miners and that General Galtieri, they were an 'orrible lot they were. We never liked them."

Back at the National Opera Studio, there was speculation last night that much-loved Italian mezzo-soprano Esmerelda Borlotti-Pappardelle might cancel her forthcoming recital, solely because of the wicked dishevelled ways of Chapel Yard's slovenly denizens.

"It's absolutely heartbreaking," wailed one source. "We've gone to all this trouble to get rid of the pooing pigeons and now there's this horrid manky family living opposite. If only we'd listened to the wise, prescient words of WandsworthEye, who warned that no good would ever come of letting the LibDems into government."

Glamorous Wandsworth Debenhams 'to open within days'

There was mounting excitement in the borough last night as eager residents awaited the imminent opening of the plush new Debenhams store at Southside shopping centre. A mile-long queue stretched along Garratt Lane as impatient shoppers vied to be the first through the doors of the glamorous new department store on the site of the hated former post office.

'Only days' to wait till the grand opening

"This gonna be wicked, yeah," ventured single mother Chavetta Nkokmah, one of the first in the line. "Ay fort this gonna be queue for new ay-phone yeah. But Debenhams comin' to Wandsworf yeah. Gonna be even more cool than new ay-phone yeah."  

Final preparations are underway in the perfume hall

Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette was equally enthused. "How right Ms Nkokmah is," she exclaimed. "And just to think - only a few weeks ago all there was here was a horrid, manky post office full of smelly people collecting their benefits. Ugh. One shudders to recall what Wandsworth used to be like in days gone by."

The Reverend Benny Saville, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, watched contentedly as workmen put the finishing touches to the perfume hall on the ground floor of the new multi-storey retail emporium. "What a splendid addition to our vibrant local community," he said. "But I do hope the men's lavatories won't become a centre for untoward activities as they have at Debenhams' notorious Clapham Junction branch..."

A source close to the much-loved department store chain confirmed last night that the long-awaited grand opening was now just days away. "About 733 days to be exact," he explained. Speculation was rife that an A-list celebrity would be cutting the ribbon on the great day. "We're hoping to get a leading LibDem luminary," said another source. "Except that could be a little difficult as they're all under lock and key these days. We may have to make do with Godfrey Bloom instead."

Borough hails appointment of 'rigorous' Deputy Eye

Residents were clinking their glasses last night following the appointment of a much-loved veteran social commentator as DeputyWandsworthEye. Hubert Montague-Postlethwaite - who tweets as @Wandsworth3 - was chosen from a field of thousands of eager candidates. In his acceptance tweet, he wrote: "I am humbled, honoured and somewhat in awe at the responsibilities that await me." 

The profile page of much-loved Montague-Postlethwaite

WandsworthEye HQ issued the following statement last night: "The appointment of a Deputy Eye has become a matter of the most pressing urgency. In recent months the Eye has been compelled to attend an endless series of dreary apostrophe congresses in locations including Madeira, the Canary Islands, Spain, Portugal, the Czech Republic and Germany. Ever mindful of the need to remain vigilant at home, and to act trenchantly in the face of the depredations and machinations of tramps, vagabonds and Liberal Democrats, the Eye hereby appoints trusted follower @Wandsworth3 as Deputy Eye, with full authority to use the Eye brand in the battle for law, order, decency and above all family values. Let us now step up the fight against tracksuit-wearing and chicken nuggetry in SW18!"

The Eye's wise move was widely applauded in the borough last night. The Reverend Benny Savile of the Anti-Lust Alliance said: "I welcome this timely appointment. DeputyWandsworthEye has a proven track-record of speaking out against perversion. Our neighbourhood will be much the safer for his rigorous vigilance."

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton agreed. "It's just like in the war," she recalled, "when Lloyd George was Prime Minister and Mr Gladstone was his deputy. Oh I do hope the new Deputy Eye will help bring down the price of cat food and custard creams - especially in Sainsbury's on Garratt Lane, where you can never find anything anymore and the prices are always 20p more than it said on the shelves..."

Non-stop Tube announcements 'are so handy'

Regular users of the District Line were overjoyed last night as a London Underground source confirmed the roll-out of a popular new policy under which maximum-volume announcements will be made non-stop on all tube trains and at all tube stations. "Not everyone has a smartphone to play with on long, tedious journeys," the source explained. "So with immediate effect, all tube drivers have been instructed to make long-winded announcements in a grating Estuary accent for the entire duration of every journey." He added: "Station staff will do their bit too, perpetually advising passengers that the train calls at all stations to Upminster, to board the train by all available doors, and to move right down the carriage."

Tube doors 'so confusing', say passengers

Wandsworth commuters welcomed the new policy last night and said they could not wait for their next tube journey. "This will be so handy for when I pop down to Harvey Nicks," explained glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette. "I always used to worry in case the tube only stopped at every fifth station and I might inadvertently end up somewhere manky like Dagenham. But now I'll know for sure that the train will call at all stations, thanks to these helpful and timely announcements."

Admin assistant Chavetta Nkokmah, who spends most of her daily journey to Cannon Street painting her two-inch-long fingernails, was relieved at the prospect of greater clarity surrounding the boarding of crowded tube trains. "Used to be so confusin, yeah. Never knew what door to get on the train, yeah. Now is gonna be announcements, yeah. Gonna tellin us we can get on the train usin every door, yeah."

WandsworthEye can exclusively reveal that District Line tube drivers have been issued with standard scripts to read out during the long journey from Wimbledon to Upminster. A leaked extract of the Customer Reassurance Announcement Policy recommends that drivers turn the public address system up to maximum volume and then repeat the following on an endless loop:

"This is your District Loin trine to Upminster callin at aw stations to Upminster. Moind the gap between the troin and the platfowm. A good service is runnin on aw ovver loins. Once again loidies an gentlemen, please move roit daaan the carriages an bowd the troin usin aw avaiabaw doors. Moind the gap. We've stopped at a red signaw an we should be movin shawtly."

As spontaneous cheering broke out among delighted passengers, London Underground's executive in charge of the new policy explained: "The roll-out of CRAP shows we are absolutely clear about delivering for stakeholders going forward." 

Frail pensioners 'confused' over two new post offices

Celebrations were held across the borough last night as the hated Post Office on Garratt Lane was boarded up in preparation for the final stage of redevelopment at Southside shopping centre. A glittering new Debenhams department store will now rise above the forlorn Arndale Walk where drug addicts and single mothers once congregated, and lavishly-appointed new post offices are opening on Monday at Southside and on the High Street - just a stone's throw from WandsworthEye HQ.

The vast new post office at Southside shopping centre

The far-reaching changes have been broadly welcomed across the community. Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette said: "Thank God I no longer have to walk past the surly, sullen youths on Garratt Lane when I want to buy some pretty stamps for my handwritten epistles. It's disgusting the way they sit on their poxy bikes with their pants hanging out and their bums showing. Ugh."

High street branch 'handy for the chicken shop'

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the borough's better chicken shops, was particularly thrilled about the new post office on Wandsworth High Street. "I'm a little concerned about its proximity to the notorious tramps' and vagabonds' bench across the road," she conceded, "but on the whole this is a positive move for the community. And so handy for people visiting Dallas Chicken & Ribs, which is right next door."

Staff at Dallas were elated that the prestigious Post Office had decided to open a branch adjacent to their already much-loved food emporium. A source close to the management said the restaurant was already working on special pensioners' meals to appeal to the post office's core clientele. Custard-cream fritters and cat-food-coated chicken nuggets are "in the early stages of development", the source indicated.

However frail pensioners were confused last night about the complex arrangements at Wandsworth's two new post office branches. "Where do we go to get our ration books now?" asked Ethel Dumpton as she stood perplexed outside the boarded-up Garratt Lane branch. Her friend Mabel Drearie raged: "I'm not going anywhere near them tramps and vagabonds on the High Street. And that new post office in Southside is far too posh for the likes of me. I'll just have to starve now that I can't get me pension."

WandsworthEye will be rigorously monitoring developments all week via webcam from the Bohemian Apostrophe Congress, which begins on Monday night.  

Ugly council flats 'should be bulldozed down'

Calls were mounting last night for the high-rise council flats above Southside shopping centre to be razed to the ground. Residents from across central Wandsworth pleaded with the council to expunge the unsightly eyesore from its prominent site towering over the neighbourhood. 

The unsightly council block looms over Wandsworth

The controversial edifice was erected many decades ago, in a now almost forgotten era of wanton profligacy and leftwing social engineering. Constructed using the costliest, most sumptuous building materials, the towering monstrosity was soon chock-full of lottery winners, single mothers and tearaway children. "I remember when it was brand spanking new," reminisced frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. "Mr Gladstone himself came to cut the ribbon, accompanied by his wife Queen Victoria."   

Artist's impression of the site post-demolition

However in recent years a growing coalition of angry local residents has been lobbying to have the hated carbuncle removed from its looming position in the heart of our treasured borough. Leading campaigner Selfridgia Aliceband explained: "It's all very well having a Sabichi and a Waitrose in the shopping mall, but a block crammed full of council people really lowers the tone of the neighbourhood. It should be bulldozed down forthwith."

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the more exclusive chicken shops on Wandsworth High Street, wholeheartedly agreed. "Only the other day my neighhour's darling little son, Mungo Parker-Bicyclette, was beaten up by yobbos from the council flats as he rode to prep school. We really ought to put these people somewhere else - for example, in Swansea or in Kettering."

Last night architects were preparing a blueprint for the future of the disputed site. One option, pictured above, involves the complete bulldozing of the 24-storey tower and its transformation into a privately-run tourist attraction provisionally called The Council Flat Experience. 

Other possibilities floated by developers include the construction of a high-security prison for violent, dangerous Liberal Democrats. "We really can't have them running around in the community any longer," explained one source close to the authorities. "The sooner all remaining LibDems are locked up the better. Thank goodness for trenchant local news blog WandsworthEye, without whom the wicked machinations of the junior coalition partner would go unpunished."

Flip-flop-wearing LibDems 'bring shame on the borough'

Wandsworth's hard-earned reputation as a centre of fashion second only to Milan and Chigwell took a severe knock today as the sunshine tempted men onto the borough's streets in flimsy, frivolous flip-flops.

Hairy toes, pasty legs and unattractive bunions were on full display as Wandsworth's once stylish male inhabitants threw caution to the wind and donned foolishly inappropriate beachwear as they went about their daily business.

Inappropriate beachwear on the streets of southwest London

"Liberal Democrats in particular tend to favour this disastrous look," commented glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, who first came to prominence as a fashion adviser to Ann Widdecombe. "But now even the tramps and vagabonds wear them," she said. "One simply despairs."

'Bring back standards of decency and decorum!'

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton  was also full of trenchant criticism, raging: "It was never like this during the war. People had standards of decency and decorum then. Oh, bring back the days when Gladstone and Mrs Thatcher ruled - you would never have had people in flip-flops then."

There were calls last night for the police to forbid the wearing of sandals, flip-flops and other unappealing footwear on the streets of SW18. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a chicken shop on Wandsworth High Street, heartily agreed. "Imagine all the squelchy things that get caught between their toes as the LibDem flip-flop-wearers promenade up and down the major thoroughfares," she said, shuddering. 

'Tread on their toes! That'll serve them right!'

"Bits of discarded fried chicken; slowly coagulating piles of vomit outside the Grand Union; pigeon droppings from the National Opera Studio; mank and detritus strewn across the neighbourhood by shameless tramps and vagabonds. How filthy those benighted people's feet must be!"

As WandsworthEye led the campaign to ban all frivolous beachwear from the streets of our beloved municipality, unrepentant flip-flop-wearer Ronaldo Mincing-Bottomley vowed: "I shall take this matter to the European Court of Human Rights without further ado."

WandsworthEye hereby calls on all right-thinking citizens to deliberately tread on the toes of urban flip-flop-wearers until they cease their wanton, wicked ways. Long live modest apparel!

Wandsworth's voice 'must be heard' at Fuerteventura apostrophe talks

There were calls last night for the Wandsworth delegation to take an uncompromisingly hard line at the Fuerteventura Apostrophe Congress, due to start this Wednesday. Ahead of the global talks, widely hailed as 'crucial', Eye HQ has been deluged with messages of support from its phalanx of devoted followers. 

"Voice of Wandsworth must be heard roud and crear at clitical summit on Fuerteventura irand," said world-renowned apostrophe expert Professor Wu'u-p'ing O'oo, who is to be a keynote speaker at the prestigious congress. "All light finking people appraud varriant efforts of grobal readers to bling end to apostlophe viorence!"

Fuerteventura: venue for this week's global apostrophe congress

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton of SW18 agreed wholewheartedly. "Forget the humanitarian catastrophe in Syria, the threat of nuclear war on the Korean peninsula and the devious machinations of the Liberal Democrats," she advised. "Issue number one for struggling pensioners is the relentless march of apostrophe criminals throughout the land. There must be a concerted global effort to round them all up and send them to prison - along, of course, with any last remaining LibDem MPs. Oh WandsworthEye, you are in all our thoughts as you take upon yourself this arduous journey across the seas. God speed, and farewell!"  

Delegates are already assembling for the 'crucial' talks

WandsworthEye moved to reassure its eager followers last night that its award-winning Tramp and Vagabond Monitoring Service would continue even from afar. A spokesman for the much-loved community news portal said: "The Eye will continue to pay close attention to events in our cherished neighbourhood, despite the pressures of work at the dreary Fuerteventura Apostrophe Congress. Let reckless elements in our community be warned: the Eye will be watching you, even from distant lands!"

Stylish Wandsworth 'is the new Belgravia', socialites agree

There were scenes of rejoicing on the streets of Wandsworth last night as well-heeled local residents flocked eagerly to stylish new eateries Wagamama and Rossopomodoro, which have finally opened their doors to hungry customers. Queues stretched for miles down formerly dreary Garratt Lane, almost reaching the outskirts of Earlsfield, as scrubbed and perfumed middle-class professionals assembled in their thousands to enjoy a splendid feast after years of having to make do with smelly kebabs and chicken nuggets. 

Wandsworth's stylish new restaurant emporium

WandsworthEye has previously reported in some detail on the endless rows of nauseating underclass fast-food establishments which line the once thriving High Street. Indeed, scarcely an hour goes by without a sodden fried chicken carton being dropped outside Eye HQ by wicked yobby elements. The Eye is watching these activities very carefully and will press for the harshest punishment at the appropriate juncture. 

Now, however, Wandsworth finally has a parade of restaurants more suited to the tastes of respectable, professional people with jobs and regular incomes. No wonder, then, that top of the guest list for this week's launch party were the much-loved trio of glamorous socialites Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, Octavia Belle-Wether and Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest.

Wandsworth 'just like Belgravia now'

"This is the turning point," exclaimed Tamara P-B. "Wandsworth is now the new Belgravia. No longer will I be ashamed to bring my Chelsea friends across the river. Garratt Lane is the place to be!" 

Even an apostrophe in the right place!

There was even talk last night of a new reality TV series being filmed in our vibrant neighbourhood. According to one industry source, the working title for the programme is The Only Way Is Wandsworth. 

Best of all, the stunning new eateries appear to be observing a strict door policy - turning away tramps, vagabonds and habitual tracksuit-wearers from the premises.

Responding to a query from WandsworthEye, Rossopomodoro tweeted: 

 

ROSSOPOMODORO‏@RossopomodoroUK

@WandsworthEye our customers have been lovely, not seen a tracksuit yet!

Council slammed over 'indolent' litter sweepers

With the Chapel Yard litter crisis now well into its second week, WandsworthEye has written to Wandsworth Council demanding immediate action to deal with the unfolding environmental catastrophe. Here is a copy of an email sent today (18/04/13) to the Town Hall's Waste Services department. Once again, the Eye is standing up for our treasured local community. 

Dear Ms Arnell,

Thank you for replying to my email about the uncleared rubbish on Chapel Yard, which is now festering away for the second week running, prompting much interest from local pigeonry. Bags stuffed with bread rolls, sundry empty bottles, shards of menacing-looking glass and many other random items still remain strewn across the yard and are blown over to busy Buckhold Road with every gust of wind. A wonderful sight in central Wandsworth, a mere stone's throw away from newly regenerated Southside shopping centre!

I am utterly exasperated at the buck-passing I have encountered when raising this issue. Property managers Houston Lawrence insist that the passageway linking Chapel Yard and Buckhold Road is Wandsworth Council's responsibility. Tesco, whose High Street Express store backs onto the yard, are adamant the rubbish is nothing to do with them. And now you tell me that the Council itself will do nothing to address the problem because it is private land.

I am attaching three further photographs, taken just one hour ago at 16.15 on 18/04/13, which clearly show a green Wandsworth Council street-sweeping bin parked indolently next to the piles of rotting refuse. Shortly after I took the pictures, a uniformed employee sauntered up to the bin and wheeled it away without lifting a single lazy finger to deal with the yucky manky rubbish which has been blighting this neighbourhood for a fortnight now. It would have taken him maybe 2 minutes to transfer it to his empty bin. But no, he walked away.

In a week where the greatest peacetime Prime Minister of the 20th century has been buried with full military honours, we would do well to remember the way Baroness Thatcher tackled the ugly "jobsworth" culture in our public services. I fully accept that there are unresolved ownership issues surrounding Chapel Yard, with much of the site on private land. However it is literally a stone's throw from the very centre of Wandsworth Town, and I would have hoped that the Council would take some interest in the overall welfare and appearance of this flagship part of the borough. It can be in no one's interests to have flocks of greedy pigeons pecking away incessantly at piles of rancid rubbish, just yards away from key public buildings.

I therefore appeal to you to have this sorted with the utmost urgency. I have already highlighted the issue on Twitter, and am posting a copy of this email on the influential WandsworthEye news blog, which has attracted a national and international readership following its trenchant pursuit of key local issues.

If nothing is done to resolve this neighbourhood crisis, I shall also be contacting the local press and my MP Justine Greening, who I know takes a very dim view of poor standards in public services.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

WandsworthEye

Wandsworth in mourning as Dear Leader passes away

Public clamour for statue of beloved Thatcher

The Dear Leader, scourge of the Liberal Democrats

WandsworthEye today led tear-filled public tributes to Baroness Thatcher, whose wise and benign rule brought years of plenty to the borough. In a statement issued by Eye HQ, the much-loved community news service said: 'Today, as tramps and vagabonds roam the streets and Liberal Democrats winkle their cunning way into government, the days of the Dear Leader's munificent and bountiful administration seem like a long-lost golden age of national harmony. WandsworthEye calls on the Town Hall to follow the lead of key public buildings across the country and fly the Union Jack at half mast.'

Amid uncontrollable weeping on the streets of Wandsworth, patriotic citizens queued up outside Eye HQ on Chapel Yard to sign a special Book of Condolence. First in the queue was frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer, who reminisced: 'I remember how she kept the borough together during the dark days of the war. "We shall fight them on the common, we shall fight them on the banks of the Wandle and at Battersea heliport. We shall fight with increasing strength around the Winstanley Estate and on Northcote Road. We shall never surrender." Oh I remember her speech like it was yesterday...'

Glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest was also waiting patiently in the queue to write loving words of appreciation for the Dear Leader's many good deeds. 'If only we could return to the days when Maggie ruled and order prevailed,' she said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. 'You never used to get chavvy people in tracksuits eating chicken nuggets on buses while playing tinny rap music on their mobiles when she was Prime Minister.'

Work on a Thatcher statue at the Town Hall will start 'imminently'

Meanwhile, a source close to Wandsworth Town Hall confirmed that building work would soon commence to erect a giant statue of Baroness Thatcher in the building's attractive gardens. 'The idea is for it to tower over the entire borough, dwarfing even the ugly high-rise flats at Southside,' explained one well-informed insider. 'But don't worry, we won't raise council tax to pay for it - we'll just put up manky people's rents.'

 

WANDSWORTH TEETERS ON BRINK OF NUCLEAR CALAMITY

Families flee to shelters after Kim Jong Un's menacing statement

Hated North Korean LibDem dictator Kim Jong Un

Wandsworth was trembling last night after hated North Korean leader Kim Jong Un revealed that the southwest London borough would not be spared the nuclear holocaust he is preparing for vast swathes of the western world.

In a statement issued in Pyongyang on Easter Saturday, the vicious LibDem dictator warned: "I have ordered the heroic Armed Forces of the Korean Liberal Democratic Republic to swing into action against the imperialist conservatives who have controlled Wandsworth council for the past three decades. Their wicked pro-American machinations will now receive just punishment, you mark my words."

As Wandsworth's residents fled to their nuclear bunkers, the National Opera Studio in Chapel Yard called for calm and confirmed that this Tuesday's lunchtime recital would go ahead as planned. However Tops Pizzas on the High Street announced it would be closing early each night as a precautionary measure.

Transport for London said buses heading out of town, such as the 37 to Putney Heath, were far busier than usual as local residents sought sanctuary away from built-up areas. In a further development, key services such as the much-loved 87 to Aldwych are being rerouted to avoid critical infrastructure such as Southside shopping centre. "If necessary they will have to go via Tooting High Road for the duration of the conflict," a spokesman explained. "I doubt whether Tooting figures highly on the North Koreans' list of missile targets."

Wandsworth residents who cannot flee the borough or move to a safer area are being advised to seek shelter in bunkers such as the one depicted below at Eye HQ in Chapel Yard:

The well-appointed nuclear bunker at Eye HQ

"Ensure you are well-stocked with emergency provisions," advised Colonel Bertram Crudd, chairman of the South-West London Civil Contingencies Committee. "A couple of tins of nutritious baked beans, some canned tuna and sardines perhaps, and not forgetting bathroom tissue of course. The Protect And Survive booklet will explain exactly what to do in the aftermath of the nuclear attack, so there really is absolutely no need to worry."

"Ooh it's just like the war," commented frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she stripped the supermarket shelves bare of cat food and custard creams. "Never mind, eh. We'll all rally round. It'll be the Blitz spirit all over again."

In a further escalation of the international crisis, North Korean state television was last night showing a simulated missile attack on Wandsworth town hall, only narrowly missing the much-loved Eye HQ in Chapel Yard.

"It's so typical of the LibDems," said glamorous socialite Octavia Belle-Wether. "Clegg, Cable, Kim Jong Un, they're all just out to get ordinary people like you and me. If only Ukip were in charge of North Korea, things would be so much more civilised..."

Madeira apostrophe congress 'is not a junket'

WandsworthEye was widely praised last night after reluctantly agreeing to forsake the hedonistic pleasures of springtime in London and embark on a gruelling three-and-a-half-hour flight to Madeira to attend the Global Apostrophe Congress. As Wandsworth's parks and gardens filled to brimming point with picnicking families and sun-worshippers, all eager to make the most of the balmy Mediterranean weather conditions, the Eye's editor-in-chief gloomily packed his suitcase and set off for Gatwick Airport.

The cheery springtime view from WandsworthEye HQ

"Once again, WandsworthEye has demonstrated its selfless devotion to duty," commented neighbour Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe. "Who would not prefer to be basking in the sunshine of SW18 rather than toiling away at a dreary apostrophe congress on the other side of the world?"

Scheming Liberal Democrats were slammed last night for wickedly insinuating that the Madeira congress was a thinly-disguised junket. As secret photographs came to light of the apostrophe delegates hard at work, supporters of WandsworthEye rallied round the much-loved community news service. "It only reflects well on the borough that our voice is being heard with such clarity in the crucial global apostrophe talks," said influential socialite Octavia Belle-Wether. "Let the cunning Liberal Democrats be silent for evermore."

Delegates hard at work at the global apostrophe talks in Madeira

WandsworthEye will resume its daily Twitter feed on Saturday 30 March and wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Happy Easter.

'Wicked' LibDems in fresh assault on family values

There was consternation throughout the borough last night as reports came in of a cunning new LibDem campaign to promote the dishevelled, disorderly and dissolute lifestyles of tramps, vagabonds and other ne'er-do-wells. 

A typical vagabond sunning himself on a bench in Wandsworth

WandsworthEye was shocked to discover that an elderly lady by the name of Sandrine Taylor has been using Twitter to promote her  wicked work as Chairperson of the Wandsworth Friends of Tramps and Vagabonds. 

Describing herself as a "fruit tea drinker, hemp weaver and Liberal Democrat", the shameless spinster has been using the micro-blogging site to boast of the lavish feasts she has been preparing for the borough's layabouts. 

One recent tweet even had the temerity to attack much-loved WandsworthEye, which as readers will know has long been at the vanguard of efforts to protect respectable family values: 

Sandrine Taylor‏@TaylorSandrine

I've also made crispy cakes for hungry comrades on Wandsworth's streets - targets of the malevolent @WandsworthEye pic.twitter.com/Woc79f6zpG

"There truly is nothing the Liberal Democrats won't stoop to," commented Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying the borough. "Thankfully most LibDems are in prison now, but we must all remain vigilant. Only recently a Metropolitan Police helicopter was circling over Wandsworth all night trying to identify hidden Liberal Democrat activists. On no account must we listen to the siren voices of Clegg, Cable or Sandrine Taylor - whose manifesto would surely lead us down the road to moral turpitude. Hurrah for WandsworthEye for exposing their false prophecies!"